So here goes another post that hasn’t come about using mental imagery but more so an expression of how I’m feeling about myself, the reasoning behind this was yesterday for the first time for me in a very long time I felt anger,
Don’t get me wrong I get mad at the slightest things all the time, people walking slow, playing games online with people that lack even the basic abilities, lack of manners from people in general, this is daily for me, none of it is ever externalised as I’d never want to be rude or come across as obnoxious,
What I felt yesterday was anger that I’d been hurt and never once reacted to it, I won’t go into the gory details of what has gone down or a blame game that involves pointing fingers, because in all fairness I’m disappointed in myself quite abit for taking so long to realise I was being taken advantage of but due to my inexplicable desire to see good in everyone I had constantly overlooked it.
A song lyric that always resonates with me is from Taking back Sunday and it is
“the truth is you could slit my throat and with my one last gasping breath I’d apologise for bleeding on your shirt”
Granted that’s a little bit in the extreme but I feel it’s something that fits into my personality archtype, I am an INFP (Introversion (I), Intuition (N), Feeling (F), Perception (P).) and I didn’t realise until I looked into it how much truth can be found in some of its explanations.
But for being someone who very much runs on emotions ive found that anger is one of those that I’ve very rarely in my adult life allowed to come to the forefront, an abusive parent in my upbringing is one of the reasons I think I have such a good control on that particular emotion, the fear of becoming someone you hate has always been enough to keep me in check, 98% of the time, there’s been a couple of occasions that I’ve acted beyond shamefully and these moments in my youth have been one offs,
I think the reason I’m writing this is because I’m generally at a lost at why now, I’m not sure if by finally expressing myself I’m dealing with these thoughts and feelings I’ve swept aside and this is another step in the process of healing and pushing myself forward, and if there’s anything I should or could do that will help me further, I’ve always been happy to embrace my emotions but this is one of those times that I don’t wanna push away people around me due to not knowing how to deal with something that rarely comes up.