This is my first proper post from a personal standpoint and I’m new to blogging in general and I’m trying to find my way and how I can best represent myself, what follows is honesty with maybe a little lack of coherence and direction in places but I’d appreciate any feedback/hints that can help me on my journeys. My other peices at https://emolovepoetry.wordpress.com/ which are very different in context is possibly the best way to put it.
I’ve always aimlessly wondered through life and I always thought it had served me to the best of my abilities, I’ve met hundreds of amazing people and seen sights and sounds I never thought would be possible, I always made the assumption that I was living my life to the fullest and everything that was ment to be would be, Destiny would take control and I’d look back and have this perfect life,
I’m a romantic at heart, I want to see the world happy, the people I love happy and the perfect utopia of balance enabling everyone to get along and achieve the dreams and goals that would make them accomplished.
I’ve also spent a huge chunk of my life unhappy, but I was unaware of this for the longest time, I was always the cheerleader, I’ve supported friends and family anyway that I can while systemically finding comfort in my own rut, I’d dug myself a pit that i would call my home, anyone that lost themselves I would help out but then wonder why a hand was never offered to pull me out, the silliest thing was I never once thought to ask.
I still firmly believe that everything does happen for a reason but now I know you can’t expect or feel like you are entitled to anything if you are not willing to put yourself out there for it,
I always dreamed of doing something with writing, granted my own style is slightly at odds with how I view the world on a personal level but I’m learning to embrace the layers I have, I’m learning that wearing my heart on my sleeve isn’t the burden I believed it was, it’s one of my strengths that I was always afraid to use, it was one of these realisations that I’d always hidden a part of myself away from everyone because I didn’t love myself enough to allow myself to be exactly who i am.
I’m 35 now, I’ve met some of the most wonderful people and had relationships with people I thought were perfect but it would always end with me clinging onto them with everything I had, it didn’t matter if I was happy or not i just wanted to be something to anyone but myself,
I truely believe my defining moment happened this year, I had what I thought was everything, the perfect partner, about to buy a house, I wasn’t just wearing rose-tinted glasses my life was rose-tinted wherever I looked, at the point I should have been the happiest I ever could have been but what happened next would shatter the person I was into so many broken parts that I doubt anyone could have even begun to know who I was before hand, most of all me.
I was an addict, my addiction was so bad that I couldn’t even see untill it was too late, but it wasn’t drink or drugs but love that was and always had been my downfall, and it wasn’t down to anyone else and it took me far to long to realise that, I would stop living my own life to focus everything I had on making someone else happy, everything would be blissful and content but time would always catch up with me because I neglected my own ambitions, as soon as the balance would switch from 50/50 I’d make up the deficit no questions asked, I’d carry the world on my shoulders to just make them smile, i wouldn’t even care how much it would crush me.
What changed you might have asked? What was that defining moment that took precedent over everything else and made me realise i needed to become a better person for myself?
I sat down earlier this year with my previous partner, and for the first time in my life I spoke with the honesty that I wrote with, I explained how I felt, I explained how unhappy I was with my current life and how I wanted to do whatever I could to change it, I was as fragile as I’ve ever been with another person, this was the person that I had helped achieve her own personal goals, helped her quit her job that was tearing her apart and find a job that made her the best possible person she could be, this link will explain all that better, it’s the actual letter I wrote to say thank you and goodbye,
Long story short was that I found myself alone and at first it was devastating, I genuinely had withdrawal symptoms that I still occasionally have to this day, but I had stood up to myself, I would have stayed unhappy in that relationship for years because I was getting what I thought out of it, but now i find myself stronger then ever, I’ve found what I want to do for myself, I don’t just wanna walk around aimlessly all the time, I have purpose for myself, all the weaknesses that I thought I had are some of my greatest strengths I just didn’t know how to wield them,
I’m still a believer in love I just know I’ve never been my trueself but now I’ve started to love and accept me for who I am and I know what I have to do to make sure I don’t ever become addicted to the fantasy again, This next chapter in my life is full of more hope and opportunity then I’ve ever given myself before and I couldn’t be prouder.