Love is something that has both empowered me and crippled me, I’ve felt like I can take on anything and everything in the world and I’ve felt so low that I could barely muster the energy to even get out of bed let alone try and live life to the fullest.
I’m an idealist, a romantic and at times completely hopeless,
I’ve been in love a few times, well essentially I’ve felt like I’ve been in love.
hindsight, retrospect and time can sometimes play havoc on your mind and leave you wondering if what you had was really what it seems.
Being an idealist and trying to manage expectations is something I’ve always had trouble with and it’s something that has without a doubt cost me some relationships and held my hostage in others, trying to peddle that fine line between what you think you should have and what you have in reality has been something that has blurred my visions for years.
I love being in love, the part where passion and euphoria hijack all your senses and the world is this beautiful blur, but this is also the point where I feel like I lose myself and an addiction takes hold of me, and I crave these feelings to the point of destruction and while I’m forever trying to obtain my high I’m slowly losing who I am, I became this shell that loses all other capabilities, and when the balance shifts and I end up trying so hard to make something work the battle is already lost, I’m just a husk walking around a battlefield trying to find any reason to hold on to hope that the war isn’t over.
Maybe I haven’t found the right kind of love, Maybe I haven’t allowed myself the opportunities to experience it in its purest form because I’m always trying to make it better, to improve it and to control it.
I will never give up on it but I will learn to let go of the control, I will learn to free myself from the addiction that has caused me so many highs and lows, I will find a way to balance my expectations and reality, I can’t imagine my life without having someone to love but I know that as long as I’m addicted I’ll never have the love I want.